I Thought That I Identified As a Lesbian - David Bowie Helped Me Realize the Reality

During 2011, a few years ahead of the renowned David Bowie show debuted at the prestigious Victoria and Albert Museum in the UK capital, I publicly announced a gay woman. Previously, I had exclusively dated men, including one I had married. Two years later, I found myself approaching middle age, a newly single parent to four children, residing in the United States.

During this period, I had begun to doubt both my sense of self and attraction preferences, seeking out understanding.

Born in England during the beginning of the seventies - prior to digital connectivity. During our youth, my companions and myself were without online forums or YouTube to reference when we had inquiries regarding sexuality; rather, we sought guidance from pop stars, and in that decade, artists were challenging gender norms.

Annie Lennox sported boys' clothes, Boy George wore girls' clothes, and musical acts such as popular ensembles featured performers who were openly gay.

I desired his narrow hips and sharp haircut, his strong features and masculine torso. I wanted to embody the Bowie's Berlin period

Throughout the 90s, I spent my time operating a motorcycle and wearing androgynous clothing, but I went back to femininity when I chose to get married. My partner transferred our home to the United States in 2007, but when the marriage ended I felt an irresistible pull returning to the masculinity I had once given up.

Since nobody challenged norms quite like David Bowie, I chose to devote an open day during a summer trip returning to England at the gallery, with the expectation that possibly he could help me figure it out.

I lacked clarity exactly what I was seeking when I stepped inside the display - perhaps I hoped that by submerging my consciousness in the richness of Bowie's identity exploration, I might, in turn, discover a hint about my true nature.

Before long I was standing in front of a compact monitor where the film clip for "that track" was recurring endlessly. Bowie was performing confidently in the front, looking polished in a slate-colored ensemble, while positioned laterally three supporting vocalists wearing women's clothing crowded round a microphone.

Differing from the performers I had seen personally, these female-presenting individuals didn't glide around the stage with the self-assurance of natural performers; rather they looked disinterested and irritated. Positioned as supporting acts, they chewed gum and expressed annoyance at the boredom of it all.

"Boys keep swinging, boys always work it out," Bowie voiced happily, appearing ignorant to their diminished energy. I felt a momentary pang of connection for the backing singers, with their pronounced make-up, uncomfortable wigs and too-tight dresses.

They appeared to feel as uncomfortable as I did in women's clothes - annoyed and restless, as if they were yearning for it all to end. Just as I recognized my alignment with three men dressed in drag, one of them ripped off her wig, smeared the lipstick from her face, and revealed herself to be ... Bowie! Revelation. (Of course, there were additional David Bowies as well.)

In that instant, I became completely convinced that I wanted to remove everything and transform like Bowie. I desired his narrow hips and his precise cut, his strong features and his flat chest; I aimed to personify the slender-shaped, artist's Berlin phase. However I was unable to, because to authentically transform into Bowie, first I would need to be a man.

Declaring myself as gay was one thing, but transitioning was a much more frightening outlook.

I required additional years before I was ready. During that period, I made every effort to adopt male characteristics: I ceased using cosmetics and threw away all my feminine garments, cut off my hair and began donning men's clothes.

I sat differently, modified my gait, and adopted new identifiers, but I stopped short of surgical procedures - the chance of refusal and regret had caused me to freeze with apprehension.

After the David Bowie exhibition finished its world tour with a engagement in the American metropolis, after half a decade, I returned. I had experienced a turning point. I was unable to continue acting to be something I was not.

Positioned before the familiar clip in 2018, I became completely convinced that the issue wasn't my clothes, it was my biological self. I wasn't simply a tomboy; I was a man with gentle characteristics who'd been in costume since birth. I aimed to transition into the person in the polished attire, performing under lights, and at that moment I understood that I had the capacity to.

I made arrangements to see a physician soon after. It took additional years before my transformation concluded, but none of the things I anticipated materialized.

I maintain many of my traditional womanly traits, so others regularly misinterpret me for a gay man, but I'm OK with that. I sought the ability to play with gender like Bowie did - and since I'm at peace with myself, I have that capacity.